I recently spent a morning serving as a guidance counselor in a public school building. What unfolded with one little first grader reminded me why parental attachment matters more than peer influence — especially in the early years.
I had many fun interactions with cute elementary children, but one student, who I’ll call “Ameena”, was worth talking about here. “Ameena”, was a perky, bright-eyed first grade student of color. She had a card giving her permission to visit me for breaks. The first time, she met me, talked to me about what she usually did during her breaks and then sat down to color. I read her a story while she colored a brightly colored picture. She didn’t make eye contact much, but seemed to be deciding whether or not I was a safe adult. I really enjoyed her company. Before I left, “Ameena” and I had become “friends” over several break times and activities.
Right now, I’m listening to the audiobook of Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté.
In the book, Neufeld and Maté argue that strong attachment to safe, mature, caring adults is foundational to healthy child development — and that parents, not peers, are designed to occupy the central attachment role.
There are elements of their worldview and some recommended practices that I don’t fully embrace. However, their central thesis — that children require deep attachment to responsible adults — is especially relevant right now.
Children need strong attachment to safe, mature, caring adults.
Ideally, that attachment is first and foremost to Mom and Dad.
Extended family members — grandparents, aunts, uncles, adult cousins — and trusted family friends can beautifully support that attachment. Teachers and school staff can reinforce it.
But they cannot replace it.
That morning, I was honored to be an “extra” safe adult for “Ameena”. I genuinely enjoyed being someone she could check in with.
Still, I hope — and pray — that she has one or both parents firmly in the center of her attachment world as she grows. The building I visited appeared to have a strong team of caring adults. That matters.
But support staff are scaffolding.
Parents are the foundation. If you are already a homeschooling family, Neufeld and Maté would agree with me that you are well on your way to raising unusually strong children, who will likely be successful adults. If you are in need of encouragement, I am here to help.
Book Referenced:
Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.